Too less, too much.
- Jul 7, 2023
- 3 min read
Ah, absurdity at its peak.
I had this intrusive thought "What if I am posting a lot on social media? Have I become annoying?" and I texted my best friend asking the same question. But, here's the worst part a month ago I felt the total opposite which is - "What if I am not posting much on social media? Is this going to affect my content creation process?" and that is funny, you know. Distorted really.
As I move on with this blog, I am feeling a sense of vulnerability but safety as well because I know it's not only me who feels this fear of not being good enough. The fear of not being good enough is alright to deal with until a point reaches where you obsessively try to become a perfectionist and then boom! You are in this giant hole of perfect mess, tangled in your own anxiety, clear thoughts but no way to communicate them and that is when you know you need some serious help.
And I think, I just think that this "fear" really stems from our households. Ever since our childhood, we've been told to be this perfect version of ourselves, not show our fears to the world and just move on if something bad happens; yes, I know as you grow as a person, life changes, you change and it all becomes a new whole mess but these traumatic experiences that may have taken in the past would most definitely still be there, sitting in the corner of your brain. Therefore, it is very important to have a peaceful relationship with these thoughts and experiences. By this I mean you should do more of what you feel you aren't doing.
It's a little odd I am aware, but that is the only way to get out of your comfort zone. Moreover, these thoughts will pop up more if you are on a path of healing. So, be slow. I started writing this blog only because I was feeling I am not good enough, mostly because of the numbers and it's sad. I never was the person who did things for numbers, but when I started creating content or even writing consistently, it suddenly started to matter and maybe it does, but not so much that I was letting it affect myself. Then walked into the mature me in my head and screamed, "You need to calm down!" (pun intended only for swifties). "These numbers do matter if you are putting in the effort, but generally, you are just enough. Plus, you've just started out, so breathe. Relax, with time and effort, and a little bit of patience, it'll work out in your favor. Yes, you are confused but you have always figured it out and you will figure it out. So, slow down. You've got this!" - her words. The point of me exposing my internal monologue to you all is that it is going to be okay, okay? You will always feel you are annoying or you are too much, maybe too less, or even that you should keep chasing the wheel of success (yeah for me it's less of a ladder and more of a wheel, I'll get into it in another blog) but that is OKAY. The world doesn't stop nor does it end. You do you. You do what it feels right to do.
Feel too much? slow down.
Feel too less? pace up.
Feel enough? Just be. Most importantly, let go of the numbers for a minute. Let go of this expectation of being perfect and being amazing. On some days, you'll feel different than usual but I hope you remember, it'll be only you and you. You are not your thoughts, but your thoughts can become your reality. So feed yourself on thoughts imagining the reality you want to be in.
It'll be alright. I hope you heal too. Love and light, always.
- Written by Vanshika Patil.
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